Life As A Transgender Deputy Sheriff
Being a post-op transgender woman, it may come as a surprise to many readers that I am a also a retired deputy sheriff. I have known I was a woman all my life but had not yet admitted that to myself while I was still on my department. This probably comes as no surprise but being a cop and being transgender was extremely difficult. Imagine what life would have been like had I come out and began to transition during my 30-year career. I don’t believe I would have been fired but life would have been very difficult for me. I would have been the brunt of many jokes and insults that would have forced me to resign. That would have been very hard for me because I truly loved my job.
Cops are a different breed of person, with a different kind of sense of humor. Many call it gallows humor, but it goes deeper than that. The things we must witness and deal with changes a person, and not always for the good. After a call there were always the jokes and laughter over coffee or during a roadside meet. The jokes usually were not about the previous call, but usually the typical banter between men. However, if the call was unusual or the people involved were different, then the jokes and inappropriate comments would fly. I never witnessed people being laughed at, made fun of, or discriminated against while on a call, but I always knew what another deputy was thinking. To be accepted by other deputies in your department, you had to go along and laugh and joke about things, and I was no different. I had to depend on my fellow deputies, as they had to depend on me. I am ashamed to say that I laughed and made jokes about people who were different from me, to include members of the LGBTQ community. I did so to be accepted, which I know is a sorry excuse for sure. At the time I did not want to be made fun of or laughed at. I felt awful, because I KNEW I was Transgender. I still feel feel awful and am so sorry for being so disrespectful toward people. Toward the end of my career, I began to stop making jokes about calls and people. On a couple of occasions, I would even call a deputy out. This did not necessarily alienate me, but some deputies began to stay away from me.
Most cops are very respectful and have high moral standards who would never discriminate against someone while dealing with them. I was very respectful and caring and treated everyone fairly when enforcing the law. I even had more than one person ask me why all cops weren’t like me. I was very respected and well-liked by citizens who knew me as well as people who didn’t. Many times, I was thanked after giving someone a ticket or even arresting them for treating them with respect, kindness, and dignity. It would be incredibly ridiculous to say or believe that all cops are that way because we all know that is not the case. A small percentage of cops are NOT nice people. I often wonder how they get through the extreme screening/background process we go through to be hired, but they do. Most of the time they are weeded out, but it does take a long time to do so due to the “Blue Code” along with union and contractual agreements.
Even though I would not admit I was transgender, I wanted to be a woman so bad. I would cross dress every chance I got, and pretend I was a woman. I never went out dressed and only when I was home alone. I always felt ashamed afterward and swore I would never do it again, until the next time.
After I retired, I began to seek therapy for PTSD. The things I saw during my career should never have to be seen by anyone. It is awful what a person can, and will, do to another person, not to mention the accidents and death that happen to people just while living life. The things I saw and experienced during my thirty-year career had a profound effect on me. It was then that I began to talk about wishing I were a woman. I was fortunate to have a wonderful therapist. She helped me come to terms with being a transgender woman and encouraged me to come out to my wife. I eventually did so, fearing it would be the end of my marriage, but to my pleasant surprise she was more than supportive. It was like a thousand pounds was lifted from my shoulders. That was five years ago and I have not looked back. Not only does she support me, she has also taught me how to be a woman. On top of that she has bought me makeup and taught me how to put it on as well as bought many of my clothes. I have learned it is not easy to be a woman. I am the luckiest woman to have someone in my life like her.
I have not told anyone from my department about my gender dysphoria and gender reassignment surgery nor do I plan to. I do know that there are some deputies who do know. I am not sure how they know, but a friend of ours knows one deputy. She asked him if he knew us and he replied he did, but said I was no longer the who I used to be. You know, I am okay with that. I am as happy as I have ever been in my life, and I LOVE being a woman!
Author’s Note: I have been told this submission feels very dismissive of LGBTQ+ people who dislike police officers for very valid reasons and to say that “most” cops are good guys feels dismissive of those experiences. I debated about submitting this, but I also feel it is important to know what it is like for me, a retired transgender deputy sheriff. I hope I don’t offend anyone, that is not my intention. I am sad that all cops are being lumped in together with the few bad ones.
